Today I'm participating in Shelly Watter's Birthday Blowout Contest!
And here I go. Any feedback is appreciated!
Title: Rock 'n' Roll Princesses Wear Black
Genre: Humorous Middle Grade
Wordcount: 26,000
My cousin Gina coined our place, The Loud House.
And here I go. Any feedback is appreciated!
Title: Rock 'n' Roll Princesses Wear Black
Genre: Humorous Middle Grade
Wordcount: 26,000
My cousin Gina coined our place, The Loud House.
“Yes, I’m back in black!” blasted from the family room speakers. My little brother cried like a baby in his bedroom, because, well, he’s a baby. I stepped into my room and shut the door for some rare peace and quiet. Why couldn’t our place be The Occasionally Loud House?
Even with my door closed I could hear my dad listening to his AC/DC playlist on the iPod speakers. He always did that when he paid bills. AC/DC is a classic rock band. Which means they’re old. I like music and all; in fact, I love it. But there’s a time for rocking out, and there’s a time to get things done. I needed to find something to wear to Brooke’s birthday party right now. Stat. Immediately. Pronto. If only my brother would go back to sleep. He should be napping now. He usually can sleep through music playing, dogs barking, anything in The Loud House. Mom said that he’s teething. Another reason for my parents to smother him with attention. Another reason to say, “Stef, wait a minute. Stef, I can’t do this now. Stef, your brother is the only thing we care about.” Okay, maybe they’ve never said that last one, but they’ve probably thought it.
I rifled through the middle drawer of my white dresser and searched for something to wear. I couldn’t find one thing with pink on it. My mom was not going to like that I left the shirts in a rumple instead of neatly in a stack. She worked at the Gap in high school and learned how to perfectly fold clothes. Maybe I’ll let her redo my stacks, you know, to remind her of the good ole days of high school.
35 comments:
Oh, I really love the voice and the cultural references. I already find your character completely believable. I almost feel as though I am reading my own kiddo's story :-) My only comment: I am not sure where the conflict comes in yet. I am always unsure whether this truly needs to be introduced in the first page, but I am not sure yet what is at stake for Stef.
I've read more than these words from you, so I don't know how that affects my thoughts. I think Stef's a fun character and I think you've got talent. And you've already heard my other suggestions. I guess my big thing would be to tell you that you're not wasting your time (in case you wonder about things like that...I sure do about my own writing) and that you should keep putting fingers to keyboard. I want to read more from you.
Thanks, Susan and Anita!
And sorry about the formatting, everyone! Blogger has gone buggers lately!!
Kelly
Last line is sooo funny! I'd love to read about a kid that thinks like that.
There is a lot of voice in this piece, which is just the kind of thing that keeps me reading.
Well done!
Shelley
I frikin' love this already. Music is right up my alley so that's a bonus. I can tell you have good taste. I like your character, Stef. I like the voice. I like that her parents are cool and she seems kinda the opposite. This seems like it's gonna be a fun middle grade story.
Oh, I love her snark. Well done!
I was the youngest of three -- so it sounds just like my siblings! LOL.
I love this beginning, it's got a bunch of good references that gives us a grip on the exact time period of the book! The humor is very good, too, and I would definetly read on!
Good luck!
This is a great character with fantastic voice! Everything else (like tension, plot, conflict) I can wait for. good luck!
I might make this slight change to make this sentence flow better:
I like music and all--love it, in fact--but there’s a time for rocking out, and there’s a time to get things done.
Good luck with the contest!
So I guess I'll add to the gush-fest and say that I totally loved this voice. I don't have a sense of the plot in this beginning, but who cares because I just want to hang out with Stef. So I'd definitely want more pages to see where this is going. Terrific job and good luck! :D
I loved this....great tone, I really got a sense of everything with your wonderful descriptions. Good Luck
Sorry to echo everyone, but I loved this. The voice drew me in immediately. Great job!
She's a cool character. I can tell she's one of those determined, lightening bolt, has an opinion about everything kinda kids and I love that in a female MC. Yeah, more conflict would be good, but I have faith that it will show up soon.
LOVE this one. Great voice. She is a total little smarty pants, and I want to follow her to the party. I know it's going to be good! I'll be surprised if you aren't asked for more!
Yeah! Finally a MG to review. I was wading through YA (no offense to the YA writers).
Yeah I agree. Great writing, voice and funny protag. Who doesn't like to laugh at how dorky their parents are? I think the POV and title will really appeal to the target audience.
I also wonder where the story will go, but judging by the title, it will involve the musical theme which you've introduced us to.
I love it, Kelly! Stef's voice is very distinct and a lot of fun. WTG, friend! You have a winner here.
That was super fun to read. Well done.
You've got a great voice here. And I love the title!
I'd suggest adding a little more action here if it's the beginning. But not because I wasn't into it, but because that's what people always tell me!
She's got a great voice. And you weave in details well. I can see your love of music in this.
Kelly! I love your revisions! So awesome! It is so fun to read it now and get that feeling of Stef all over again. You pulled her out so well in these first few words. Yay!
Thank so much everyone for your kind words and suggestions!!!
I just finished major project for Grad Class #1, now to do last week of Grad Class #2 in next three days! So sorry I didn't get a chance to comment to each one of you!!!
Cool! Good luck, Kelly!
Very nice, Kelly! *applause* And how perfect for you, a true music lover. :) Great work!
Great writing, Kelly!
This was such a good read. Applause, applause! Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed stopping by and reading your blog.
Yes yes yes!! I love this revision. Well executed, my dear. The voice is fabulous, the scene clear. Initital motivation evident. But I especially love love the voice. YES!!
Great voice. We already know so much about your MC from those couple of paragraphs. I hope she gets some well deserved attention at the party! :)
How fun, Kelly! Sounds like a fun story. :)
Fun opening! When do we get to read more? :)
I need a professional folder right now! (= Piles of laundry.
hahahahahaha. She worked at the Gap! When I saw Jean-Luc folding clothes perfectly, I asked him; "What? Did you work at the Gap?"
Anyway, the voice is really shining through on this Kelly. LOVE IT!
Great voice and I love the title. So you.
Holy Words of Awesomeness!! I. Love. THIS!!!
Spectacular! Thanks so much for sharing ~ it was beyond fun!
Nice sass. Especially at the end. Very teenage girl. Good work.
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